


the deepest secret nobody knows

by always_a_queen



Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-04
Updated: 2011-08-04
Packaged: 2017-11-12 08:26:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/488758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/always_a_queen/pseuds/always_a_queen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are three things Nikita knows with an unquestionable certainty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the deepest secret nobody knows

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: General spoilers through the end of season one, and one rather key spoiler for 1x22.  
> Warnings: Violence, sexual content - specifically, mentions of prostitution and attempted non-con - but nothing particularly graphic. Character Death.  
> Inspired by the following poem by e. e. cummings. It snowballed from there into whatever it is now. Also, I did my best to rate this appropriately, but if anyone thinks that the rating is inappropriate, or that something more specific needs to be warned for please let me know. I'm more than happy to change or add whatever necessary.

* * *

> _i carry your heart with me(i carry it in_
> 
> _my heart)i am never without it(anywhere_
> 
> _i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done_
> 
> _by only me is your doing,my darling)_
> 
> _i fear_
> 
> _no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want_
> 
> _no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)_
> 
> _and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant_
> 
> _and whatever a sun will always sing is you_
> 
> _here is the deepest secret nobody knows_
> 
> _(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud_
> 
> _and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows_
> 
> _higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)_
> 
> _and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart_
> 
> _i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)  
> _
> 
> \- e.e. cummings

* * *

the deepest secret nobody knows

(or three times Michael saves Nikita)

by Small-Wonders / always-a-queen

* * *

There are three things Nikita knows with an unquestionable certainty.

* * *

_here is the deepest secret nobody knows_

* * *

When she is a recruit, they assign her to eliminate a politician who poses a threat to Division. It's one of her first kills, and as such the memory is burned in her brain. She's posing as a streetwalker along with half of the Division's female recruits, the normal nightlife rounded up in Division's black vans. Her skirt is uncomfortably short in the cool air, and she tugs at it as she snaps her gum.

It is long past three in the morning by the time Michael's voice in her ear tells her that the senator's car is approaching. Most of the other girls back off so Nikita can approach the vehicle. She's wearing a red wig so she fits the profile of the hookers this man usually selects. The hope is that he has no problem propositioning her. If not, well, that's why the rest of the recruits are present.

Getting into the man's car is what scares her the most. She knows he's taking her back to his hotel, but Division knows where he's staying, and Amanda says that he's taken the last five girls to his room. Nikita doesn't hesitate as she climbs in the car, but her stomach lurches and for a second – a split second – she things she might heave.

She recovers quickly, and the man doesn't even seem to notice as he changes gears and speeds away.

"Nikita, we're right behind you," Michael's voice in her earbud is low and reassuring. "You're gonna be fine."

She's not.

As dangerous as this man is to Division, it apparently never enters Percy's mind – or he simply doesn't care – that he might get physically violent once he realizes that Nikita isn't exactly who she's supposed to be.

Due to the element of surprise, he gets off one solid punch before she starts fighting back, calling out for Michael. He's bigger and stronger, but she's nimble and quick. She's younger, but from the mission briefing, she knows he's been taking marshal arts courses since he was a child.

Sometime during the scuffle, she loses her earbud.

Michael's taught her how to fight and how to fight well, but her relative inexperience causes her to stumble. Adrenaline skitters through her veins, but while it keeps her body moving despite the pain of her rapidly increasing injuries, it drowns out clear thinking.

The remainder of the fight is a blur. Somehow, she ends up on the floor, her body sprawled across the carpet. And then he's above her, hands groping for her skirt and blouse. She struggles and thrashes beneath him, but it's not enough. He's bigger, and he has her pinned.

She screams Michael's name, over and over and over again.

She doesn't register the door crashing to the floor as Michael kicks it down; she doesn't process anything except that suddenly the politician is ripped off her body and flung across the room.

Without hesitation, Michael empties his gun into the man's chest. When he turns towards Nikita, there's an expression of utter defeat on his face.

She cries.

Despite her shuddering breaths and shaky hands, she somehow manages to communicate that yes, she is okay.

(Well, as okay as she could possibly be, given the circumstances.)

He sheds his jacket and drapes it around her shoulders, then lifts her into his arms and cradles her against his chest. "Let's get you out of here."

Back at Division, she sits uncomfortably on the exam table. Per the Doctor's orders, she's stripped down to her undergarments, lacy purple things that show far too much. There are dark bruises on her legs and wrists where the man's fingers dug into her flesh.

Michael finds her after the Doctor finishes wrapping her sprained wrist. By this time, she's at least been allowed a flimsy robe. It doesn't cover much, but it makes her feel safer.

So does Michael's presence, but she can't admit that aloud, especially not to him.

He doesn't say a word, just offers her a hand down from the table and walks her back to her room.

As the years pass, the assignments get tougher, but so does Nikita. Experience gives her an edge that training never could, and as days and ops blur together one after another, the memory of Michael's rescue fades away. Still, the consequences of that action – the building of trust, the establishment of guardianship, the change in their relationship from tenuous associates to enduring allies – stay with Nikita years later in the form of one undeniable fact:

Michael will always protect her.

* * *

This is the first thing Nikita knows.

* * *

_(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud_

* * *

Sometime after Nikita decides to take down Division piece by piece and Michael decides to help her do it, they finally encounter the steep downside of Michael's decision to blackmail her into using Gogol to find Kasim.

Michael's preoccupied with assignments from Division when Nikita hears about a possible location of one of Percy's 'little black boxes'. Since she's never been one to depend on others for things she can damn well do herself, she takes off on her own.

Her first mistake is not telling Michael she's leaving; her second blunder is not stopping to consider that her source is in cahoots with Gogol when that little tickle on the back of her neck starts telling her that something isn't right here.

Unfortunately, Gogol's learned about Nikita's status as someone with nine thousand lives, so it's not just one or two men assigned to take her down, nor is it an assassin with a sniper rifle. No, Gogol gets up close and personal. When she easily escapes the ensemble of goons that show up at her hotel room, she should know them well enough to expect that it isn't their only plan.

She makes her third mistake when she gives in to the impulse to run for her vehicle right away.

Halfway there, the car explodes.

Even before her body slams against the pavement, Gogol's men are there and one is pressing his arm against her throat.

The only cohesive thought she can manage as she struggles violently is that she always knew this would happen one day, always knew that her luck would eventually run out.

One day, the bullets won't whiz by; one day, the knife won't just leave an impressive scar on her forearm. One day, the life will leave her body. Her heart will stop beating, her breathing will cease, and her soul will depart the cage of her skin.

One day, Nikita will die.

It does not matter if it is Division or Gogol that takes her down; it does not matter if her death comes at Percy's hands or someone else's. It does not matter _how_. It is going to happen; it is _supposed_ to happen. Every person has a date with death.

Nevertheless, Nikita doesn't want this to be her day.

She hears blood rushing in her ears and although she manages to keep fighting for a moment, eventually the world goes blurry and then black.

She wakes in confused agony, pain searing through every nerve as she desperately gasps for breath. Strong arms attempt to keep her still as she thrashes about, eager to be rid of their hold.

When she finally calms – and it takes a moment for the disorientation to fade – she finds herself in Michael's arms. His hold is firm and gentle all at once, and Nikita's so happy to be alive she almost cries.

Since Nikita doesn't cry – at least, that's what she tells herself – she settles for kissing him soundly on the mouth, panic and relief swirling together into a deep need for reassurance.

Back in the states, Nikita hides in her sanctuary for days, cutting off connections with everyone. She's not scared – Nikita doesn't get scared – but when Michael kisses her knuckles and asks if she wants to tall about it, the only thing she can tell him is that things have _changed_. The truth is she's plagued with the awareness of something she should have comprehended years ago.

Death is certain and inescapable.

* * *

This is the second thing Nikita knows.

* * *

_and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows_

_higher than soul can hope or mind can hide_ )

* * *

Sometime after Amanda stages a brilliant _coup d'état_ that ends in Percy's dethronement and imprisonment, Michael and Nikita take off on a little road trip, following the bread crumbs in one of Percy's black boxes (one Birkhoff generously decoded for them) righting wrongs and exposing injustice.

Amanda – now fully backed by Oversight and high on the power she's gained by unseating Percy – turns out to be a much more formidable foe than her predecessor.

It only takes two months for her men to find them, and when they do, the bloodbath is unimaginable. Everyone who has ever had contact with them – positive or negative - is brutally and mercilessly massacred. The slaughter just goes on and on until they're finally, inevitably, backed into a corner with nowhere left to run and no place to hide.

The shootout, which takes place in a bank – how they got there is a long story, having to do with a corrupt politician and money laundering – lasts for what feels like an eternity. Together, they hold out as long as they can behind the service counter, conserving ammunition and covering each other.

A bullet tags her shoulder and Nikita goes down, ducking beneath a metal desk.

She doesn't see the man behind her, doesn't even notice him until Michael cries out. And then suddenly he's _there_ , standing in the gap between her and danger. The two men struggle for a moment.

A weapon discharges, and it's the scariest sound Nikita's ever heard.

Michael slumps to the floor.

Her heart stops

Without thought, Nikita runs for him. His assailant raises his weapon to take her out next, but Nikita is quicker.

The man is dead before his body hits the floor.

For a long moment, all Nikita can think is that he's hurt and she doesn't know what to do. Pulling herself together, she drags his body – he's still semi-conscious, thank goodness – into the large walk-in safe and secures the door behind them.

She's bought time, nothing more. They're boxed in now. Amanda's men will cut off their air supply, or flood it with a nerve toxin or some other agent.

Falling to her knees at Michael's side, Nikita rips away his shirt to tend to the wound.

It's bad.

Really bad.

Tears fill her eyes and overflow onto her cheeks. She does everything she can, which isn't much given the circumstances.

She's lost many things in her life. Her freedom, for one. Even with everything she's been through in all her days at Division – no gunshot wound, no chemical torture – nothing, absolutely _nothing_ hurts like this does.

She would trade her life for his in a heartbeat. Without thought.

She just…never _really_ thought he would do the same. Never thought he would die for her.

The last words on his lips are, "I love…"

She doesn't need him to finish.

Gently, Nikita closes his eyes with her fingers as thin whips of smoke begin to fill the room. The beginning of the end. Her eyes water; her chest constricts.

Her own eyelids slip shut as she waits to die.

She loves Michael; Michael loves her.

* * *

There are three things Nikita knows.

This is the last one.

* * *

_and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart_

_i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)_

* * *

end.


End file.
